Duck and Cover Forum Index

  Duck and Cover  •  FAQ  •  Search  •  Memberlist  •  Usergroups   •  Register  •  Profile  •  Log in to check your private messages  •  Log in

 Support DAC!
 The Books thread. View next topic
View previous topic
Post new topicReply to topic
Author Message
Redeye
I lied
I lied


Joined: 07 Mar 2005
Posts: 4175
Location: filth

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 8:39 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Gargantua and Pantagruel (free download from Project Gutenberg)

Section on butt-wiping:


Chapter 1.XIII.

How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father
Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech.

About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of
the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he
filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of
his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish
questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and
with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other
things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. To this
Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that
in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. How
is that? said Grangousier. I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and
curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the
most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. What is that?
said Grangousier, how is it? I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua.
Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be
good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my
fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that
was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that
I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there
was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox
take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance.
Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made
them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a
page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I
wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and
exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning
thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent
perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. After that I wiped me with sage,
with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with
beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows,
wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves.
All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley,
with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy,
which I healed by wiping me with my braguette. Then I wiped my tail in the
sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras
hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a
handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than
do the mangy dogs when you rub them. Yea, but, said Grangousier, which
torchecul did you find to be the best? I was coming to it, said Gargantua,
and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and
knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with
thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,

Who his foul tail with paper wipes,
Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.

What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that
thou dost rhyme already? Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I
can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum. Hark, what
our privy says to the skiters:


Shittard,
Squirtard,
Crackard,
Turdous,
Thy bung
Hath flung
Some dung
On us:
Filthard,
Cackard,
Stinkard,
St. Antony's fire seize on thy toane (bone?),
If thy
Dirty
Dounby
Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone.

Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grangousier. Then, said
Gargantua,

A Roundelay.

In shitting yes'day I did know
The sess I to my arse did owe:
The smell was such came from that slunk,
That I was with it all bestunk:
O had but then some brave Signor
Brought her to me I waited for,
In shitting!

I would have cleft her watergap,
And join'd it close to my flipflap,
Whilst she had with her fingers guarded
My foul nockandrow, all bemerded
In shitting.

Now say that I can do nothing! By the Merdi, they are not of my making,
but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever
since have retained them in the budget of my memory.

Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. What, said Gargantua, to
skite? No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail. But, said Gargantua,
will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank
and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? Yes, truly, said
Grangousier.

There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul;
foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must
before we wipe our tails. O my pretty little waggish boy, said
Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very
shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by
G--, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this
torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for
one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton
wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron.
Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow,
with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and
unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn,
and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others
with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very
neat abstersion of the fecal matter.

Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a
calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an
attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But,
to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps,
bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is
none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed,
if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine
honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful
pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the
temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut
and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of
the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and
demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel,
ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this,
according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a
goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of
Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.
View user's profileSend private message
johnnygothisgun
Hero of the Desert
Hero of the Desert


Joined: 30 Aug 2003
Posts: 1522

PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:47 am Reply with quoteBack to top

does anyone read anything that redeye posts
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mailAIM AddressMSN Messenger
Nicolai
ASSHAT
ASSHAT


Joined: 25 Feb 2003
Posts: 3739
Location: Wheelchair Warez HQ

PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:59 am Reply with quoteBack to top

who
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mail
Thor Kaufman
Mamma's Gang member
Mamma's Gang member


Joined: 16 Dec 2002
Posts: 5091

PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:34 am Reply with quoteBack to top

sometimes
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's website
S4ur0n27
Mamma's Gang member
Mamma's Gang member


Joined: 01 Jun 2002
Posts: 15177

PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Rabelais is still great.
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's websiteMSN MessengerICQ Number
Goretheradiatingone
Vault Scion
Vault Scion


Joined: 16 Dec 2007
Posts: 216

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 5:08 am Reply with quoteBack to top

edhead wrote:
All the post-apoc novels I've read were human-only, except one: Battlefield Shit by Hubbard. Wiki it, man.



Paul O. Williams wrote a good human only post apoc series, called
"the pelbar cycle"

the first book in the series will make you hooked, its uber fallouty,
with almost the same FALLOUT story line, (hero is cast out to get help
for his people ... and well you know the rest), but the books just keep getting better .
View user's profileSend private message
Dreadnought
I lied
I lied


Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 4003

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 11:18 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Have you guys ever read the Bible?
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's website
Zetura Dracos
Vault Veteran
Vault Veteran


Joined: 20 Oct 2002
Posts: 315
Location: Midae, Arizona

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Dreadnought wrote:
Have you guys ever read the Bible?


Just once. I don't remember much though because I was kind of hung over.
View user's profileSend private message
Strider
Vault Veteran
Vault Veteran


Joined: 13 Oct 2007
Posts: 276
Location: Nevernever Land

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Hey guys have you ever read Mein Kampf?
View user's profileSend private message
Nicolai
ASSHAT
ASSHAT


Joined: 25 Feb 2003
Posts: 3739
Location: Wheelchair Warez HQ

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:10 am Reply with quoteBack to top

just finished my main man Albert's The Stranger, a pretty cozy little novel that I probably should have read when I was in my Hemingway phase :dubstep:

where to next wrt Camus, guise? I was thinking that I'd do The Plague next, but I don't know if this is the.. optimal choice, as it were. aiee
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mail
S4ur0n27
Mamma's Gang member
Mamma's Gang member


Joined: 01 Jun 2002
Posts: 15177

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:31 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Nicolai wrote:
just finished my main man Albert's The Stranger, a pretty cozy little novel that I probably should have read when I was in my Hemingway phase :dubstep:

where to next wrt Camus, guise? I was thinking that I'd do The Plague next, but I don't know if this is the.. optimal choice, as it were. aiee


i'd suggest The Fall.
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's websiteMSN MessengerICQ Number
johnnygothisgun
Hero of the Desert
Hero of the Desert


Joined: 30 Aug 2003
Posts: 1522

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 2:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

a book of tolstoy stories
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mailAIM AddressMSN Messenger
S4ur0n27
Mamma's Gang member
Mamma's Gang member


Joined: 01 Jun 2002
Posts: 15177

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 4:58 am Reply with quoteBack to top

i just tried reading some dosto´evsky; couldn't go further than 50 pages.
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's websiteMSN MessengerICQ Number
johnnygothisgun
Hero of the Desert
Hero of the Desert


Joined: 30 Aug 2003
Posts: 1522

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:24 am Reply with quoteBack to top

what story? icon_chew
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mailAIM AddressMSN Messenger
Nicolai
ASSHAT
ASSHAT


Joined: 25 Feb 2003
Posts: 3739
Location: Wheelchair Warez HQ

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The Fall, eh? Sounds interesting, guess I'll order The Plague and The Fall, should keep me covered for a while.

If you're thinking about getting into Dostoevsky, you might want to start off with Notes from Underground. It's quite short (130 pages or so) and should serve as a good introduction to his work.
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mail
Frater Perdurabo
Paragon
Paragon


Joined: 05 Jun 2006
Posts: 2427
Location: V§ro

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 3:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I recently finished "The Devils" (also known as "The Possessed") by Dostojevsky. It took me like a year to read that book. It's very heavy reading, but extremely rewarding. Great author, great book.
View user's profileSend private message
S4ur0n27
Mamma's Gang member
Mamma's Gang member


Joined: 01 Jun 2002
Posts: 15177

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Nicolai wrote:
The Fall, eh? Sounds interesting, guess I'll order The Plague and The Fall, should keep me covered for a while.

If you're thinking about getting into Dostoevsky, you might want to start off with Notes from Underground. It's quite short (130 pages or so) and should serve as a good introduction to his work.


Haven't read The Plague yet, but I can assure you The Fall is great. I couldn't say if it's better than The Stranger, though. The Fall is more like a caricature.

As for Dosto, I tried reading up White Nights, but gave up after the second night. I also tried Notes from Underground but I never got into it.
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's websiteMSN MessengerICQ Number
johnnygothisgun
Hero of the Desert
Hero of the Desert


Joined: 30 Aug 2003
Posts: 1522

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

notes from underground, in my opinion, doesn't get interesting until the narrator begins describing in detail his own experiences. the first half or so of the story is just filled to bursting with mindless psychobabble

ive never read white nights though?
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mailAIM AddressMSN Messenger
Mandalorian FaLLouT GoD
Hero of the Desert
Hero of the Desert


Joined: 09 Jun 2002
Posts: 1741
Location: Legitimate Businessmen's Social Club

PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 2:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

johnnygothisgun wrote:
notes from underground, in my opinion, doesn't get interesting until the narrator begins describing in detail his own experiences. the first half or so of the story is just filled to bursting with mindless psychobabble

ive never read white nights though?


Isn't everything he writes mindless psychobabble?

I attempted Notes from Underground and White Nights and as far as I'm concerned, I ain't touching his shit again. And I emphasize SHIT.
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mailMSN Messenger
S4ur0n27
Mamma's Gang member
Mamma's Gang member


Joined: 01 Jun 2002
Posts: 15177

PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:00 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

johnnygothisgun wrote:
ive never read white nights though?


basically it's the story of a 25 years old virgin who meets a crying woman one night and tries to hump her
View user's profileSend private messageVisit poster's websiteMSN MessengerICQ Number
Display posts from previous:      
Post new topicReply to topic


Jump to:  



View next topic
View previous topic
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group