Killzig's Kiddie Pool
October 27th, 2001
ITD: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9
Disclaimer: All of Killzig's ranting / raving is not necessarily the opinion of everyone else at DAC, and it's a fairly safe bet it's not the opinion of the good people at RPGPlanet or GameSpy. Focus your rage to us... we'd love to hear from you.
Join My Clan (or Killzig Gets A Lobotomy)
Hi Kids! Remember me? That's right. Uncle KillyKins fresh out of the hospital after a life altering procedure. The lobotomy!
Boy have I got a treat for you, after all your convincing e-mails I'm sold on Fallout Tactics one more. I'm so gung ho I'm even starting a clan, that's right, a clan! Wouldn't you like to hear all about it!? Of course you would! We call ourselves the Followers Of The Apocalypse. Yes! Just like the group in the original Fallout's. It's all about name recognition after all. Actually wait, let's come up with a name with even more recognition. Something historical...something that just screams dominance.
I've got it! The Oprah Book Club Boo-Yah Jigroids, or TOBCBYJ for short. We'll dedicate ourselves to being the most well-read group of GameSpyArcade users. We'll have read every flash in the pan writer from the late 90s. We'll also be the most in tune with our feminine sides.
We won't actually play Fallout Tactics though you see. No no, we're too good for that.
TOBCBYJ will dedicate itself to building up its GeoCities hosted website with the funniest TOBCBYJ member quotes from IRC chats. It'll be chock full of creamy clannie goodness like:
PsYk0sKw3rL[TOBCBYJ] says: Dude! I lit my scrotum on fire!
HAHA! Oh man, that's classy stuff. But those aren't the only things we'll have on our website! No no no! We'll have groovy animated .gifs displaying a cartoon character pissing on the logo of our rival clan, Fans Of Paul Thomas Anderson Films (FOPTAF for short). The hated FOPTAF think they're more in tune with their feminine side than we are. Fear not though, we have Oprah on our side!
Through the power of Oprah Winfrey we shall become so feminine we will actually enter menopause. No enemy will stand in our way. Not even the feared community site managers. They think they're so tough because they run websites that run the same exact blither simultaneously to each other. We're not afraid though! We will show them that the clans are the glue that keeps the community together just like religion is the glue that keeps our culture together.
Sweet Jesus deliver from the evils of community sites and spam infested message boards (except for ours of course.)
Speaking of the message board, all members are required to create a signature picture with a resolution of 640x480. It is encouraged that you take photographs from in game and/or from a crappy action movie then intersperse it with pictures of Oprah and finally add your clan handle on it.
EXAMPLE SIG PIC click here.
Now that we've got all the important stuff out of the way let's talk about the extras...clan structure!
At the top is ME! Otherwise known as Dar Commissar to the rest of you. I don't know what that means but I think it sounds cool. Second in command is Saint Proverbius except to you he's Strategos Autokrator! I don't know what that means either but I still think it sounds cool. Third down the line is Kreegle, or as you will refer to him, Nick. I still don't know what that means but that's what you'll call him. Why? Because it sounds good!
You guys are all called "T.U.R.D.S." this is my word for THE UNDERLING RUNTS DO SUCK. You guys will handle most of the work, the actual "clanning." The gathering of funny quotes, assaults on community site managers, and lots and lots of spamming on every message board you can find. Of course you don't get any say in this. That would make us "too many chiefs not enough Indians" right? Egalitarianism is WAY overrated. So basically you guys will do whatever we say.
Eventually, the three of us, known to you as THE HOLY TRINITY, will start infighting and cause a whole row in the gaming community. You will all take sides with one of us and members of other clans will post condolences for the death of our clan on their websites. When the trinity splits it will form three completely identical clans, much like The Oprah Book Club Boo-Yah Jigroids, or TOBCBYJ for short before it, you will all still be T.U.R.D.S. but there will only be the ONE in charge.
After months of spamming how much we hate each other in the other's message boards we will unite to destroy our greatest enemy the Fans Of Paul Thomas Anderson Films! We shall make pictures of Paul Thomas Anderson in compromising positions with the likes of Elton John and John Malkovich and post them on our website. HAHA! This will anger the FOPTAF into making similar pictures of Oprah but we'll turn it around on them and get Oprah to sue them!! HAHA!! It's foolproof! VIVA LE OPRAH! VIVA LE CLAN CULTURE! Victory to the socially inept!
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MAIL BAG!
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Hey Funky Killzig,It is me again... And yes I was hitting on you, hahaha... Well anyways
I'd like to agree with you on the statement that there only so many plot
lines on this planet. Its true, but instead of uuh, just hating every new
movie that comes out and hating all the new books cuz they are recycled
garbage. Damn what a GOOD setence... Lol... WEll anyways look at all the
fantasy books out now; all of them are clones to JRR Tolkien and the
Inklings books but like I said, there aren't that many plot lines, and there
ALMOST is a point to were you can be imaginitive... A type tall skinny
person who is smart and beautiful will always be an elf... A short gruff,
funny person will always be a gnome a dwarf or a halfing err hobbit... but
we have to live with it... Like c'mon I just look at the writing style now
not the book itself... I hate JRR Tolkien's writing, but Robert Jordan's a
bloody fantasy clone trolls writing is awesome (besides his last book which
the his editors must have missed because of all those dang grammatical
errors). Well this is really going on and on... I guess I... hahaha ...
I'm a trekky and I just slept for 17 hours so I can't finish
any of my though processes but I am still going to email you this letter
becuase I love you kiddie pools but they bug the hell out of me so I'll bug
the hell out of you so FUCK me~!~ LOL LOL LOLOh this is for you Killzig
XOXOXOXOXOXO
God damn that's the most frightening thing I've ever read. You don't bug me dear you just frighten me. I'll be off to cry myself to sleep now.
Hi Killzig,And the other mail defending FOT:In your latest response to the mailbag you said "Stealth sucks because it's not allowed in combat either which is pretty much a constant state in Fallout Tactics"
However, I am able to sneak when in turn based mode while other characters are fighting, even though I usually use it just to set up fights. The only real problem I've noticed with sneak is that sometimes the character will get stuck as "detected" and be unable to re-enter sneak for a LONG distance away from any conceivable enemies. Pretty sure it's a bug, because it doesn't happen all the time, or to all characters.
Mark
Hi again I know you enjoy arguments so I couldn't resist.You also frighten me with your persistence, allow the following mail to clarify.Lets see the cows, well a fetus has a head so its still a 2 headed cow.
Sorry you didn't set any conditions you just said there were no 2 headed
cows. I'm sorry its not the way you wanted to look but I'm sure if the
artist reads your column it'll fixed in the next version.I really don't know version of this game you played but it definately wasn't
1.27. Stealth works in combat. The gambling was fixed. Steal is good for
collecting extra ammo especially those small energy cells early on. Now you
say the computer does the aiming for you? Surely you weren't playing on
CTB? I can't see any real Fallout fan playing it on anything but ITB.I mean if you complain something how the bad batch of CD's? The horrible
ladder pathing. Or how about the time and resources wasted on "3D sound"
and how it caused a lot of problems. Does a overhead view game really need
3D sound? In my opinion absolutely not. If I'm playing a FPS or a
simulation I want 3D sound for situational awareness but not in a floating
camera type game.I'm not saying this is the greatest game ever and definately not in the same
league as a game like Jagged Alliance 2 but its not as bad as you try to
make it sound.You wanted closure you got it and its name is Fallout:Tactics. You should
be happy cause to you it represents everything you hate about the gaming
industry and marketing in general. It gives you reason to keep writing this
column week after week. BTW have you ever heard the saying "Theres no such
thing as bad publicity"? Just think you actually be selling copies of FO:T
just by keeping this column going
with regard to your last news release:This is why he's KING Gnord, rather than just Gnord. Good show!
There Is No Spoon (or Fallout 3)That sucks.
I don't have the time to keep up with all the technical business stuff of
everything, and am only doing so because I am currently enrolled in
Political Science, and the prof. is a nut for making us keep up with current
events.Anyhoo, I did notice how freaking difficult it was going to be to make my
campaign without ANY means of 2-way communication, which means, you take
orders, and obey them or disobey them. There's no option for "Yes sir" or
"shove it up your @$$ sir" there's just the next assignment.There's like 2 doors in the entire FOT original campaign that have-to-be/can
be lockpicked. The rest are 999% skill and always "too difficult" (even if
you have hacked/edited lockpicks).How useless is the pilot skill when you can't take one vehicle from one
level to the next. "Sure, I want to waste my miniscule amount of ammo
driving around the wasteland for 20 exp. points in my tank"Gambling? give me a break. If you have 2% gamble, save before you try, and
you'll get all of the other guys stuff in four trys or less.With the outrageous rates the quartermaster has, barter is also useless,
because the only way to get ahead is to gamble everything you want from the
guy in Bunker Gamma (or whichever one).Stupid HR-2280 (whatever) is a robot that has perks. Robots aren't supposed
to EVER get perks.There's so many things that I wanted to circumvent in that game and rid
myself of that irritating campaign that is so extremely linear.In FO2, you had to do FOUR THINGS!!!
1. Get to Navarro (several different methods/ways)
2. Get tanker FOB
3. Get NavCom parts
4. Blow up EnclaveYet, there's like 100 or so small to freaking huge sub-missions, and if you
are playing FO2 for the first time, then your chances of doing only the
required ones, or all of them are infinitely small. I STILL have not found
the easter egg, the holy hand grenade, or the solar scorcher.In FOT, I have litterally done every level. There's not even two items I
didn't find in the first two months (not that they are hidden very well).
Twice through, I could recite the whole game and just skipped the briefings.There's one thing FOT did very well: Combat. But Fallout isn't about
combat, it's about a 200% non-linear story line, and the ability to do any
f-cking thing you want, whenever you want, and going and wasting six months
trying to make all 13 allies gain all the levels they can get. I hated
waiting for sixty rats to all take their turns, but I also hate not having a
choice as to where I can go, and what mission I want to do next.Not even the "special encounters" are that interesting, because they ONLY
occur on predetermined squares. I have gotten Cafe of broken dreams THREE
MINUTES into FO2. THREE MINUTES, is all it took to get dogmeat, I killed
Vic's raider/masters, paid for sulik, got Cassidy and lenny, got the car,
got Marcus... all the while casually dumping all of my allies in Vault 13
along with 200,000 rounds of ammo I don't need.In FOT, there's no glory. "Well done warrior" my ass. You can't exactly
FAIL a mission, or decide halfway through that this is boring, and leave.
Have you ever tried to help EVERY SINGLE PERSON in FO1?
IT'S HARD!! They don't even tell you where that stuff is all the time, just
"go find me this something and I don't know what it looks like."I have started three FO2 games, gone straight to San-Francisco on level 2,
walked back and forth between SF and NCR to build up 10,000 rounds of ammo,
and then walked around for the rest of the game with a vindicator and all my
allies in powered armor. Trust me, after the first week, it's fun.But alas, I'm stuck in Rock Falls, cannot go to San-Fancisco, and the
Powered Armor looks like crap. FOT in a nutshell.And I'm out of time.
But sheesh, I can almost say I'm glad Interplay is going under after that
mess. I just hope I can bring back some of the "cool" of the first two and
merge it with the cool combat.King Gnord
1. thanks you fat, inbred, empty headed, trigger happy yanky
2.thanks you redneck, pig fucking, cocksucking, fag raping yank motherfucker
3.thanks you redneck, pig fucking, cocksucking, fag raping, trade centre looting, fucking useless scumbag yank motherfucker
Hehe, verbose isn't he.
I was just wondering what this clickfest thing is about. Doesn't anyone know that you can just hold down the button instead of clicking all of the time?Diablo I son, not Diablow II.
If you are calling icewind dale a diablo knock off then you are really calling Baldur's gate a diablo knock off too and if your calling Baldur's gate a diablo knock off then you have no idea what you are talking about, you don't know poop about gaming and you should be taken out in the backyard and be shot. Icewind dale was good by any and got lots of great critic from people who knows about the gaming world. Well anyhow have a nice day.
Best of wishes
-ObMeiste
Uh huh. Lots of great critics, like the geniuses at GameSpy :)
i, am totaly behind every fucking word you wrote on that rantSnazzy, Killz0r gets corporate funding.
take me,i am not your average gamer, infact, i hardly play games as it is... my latest new game was tekken 3....
but there is one thing, one game serie, that i hunt, that i truly love
fallout!
and when i played the first one, i was hooked
and when i played the second one, i was between addicted to oxygen.... i loved it, to the fullest and when they lunched fallout tactics, i was crushed... just kill? JUST kill?! on fallout 2, i went on a killing rampage in the end of the game, just because i didnt have anything to do
but a fallout game with no plot?
i am not usualy like this... i acully cant stand d&d, roleplay, or anything to do with it, it bores me or worse but fallout... well thats something els :)
so i ask myself, why?! yes sure, baldur's gate sold more then fallout... but fallout also sells! it made everyone i know, everyone, addicted to it the moment they played it so why, exacly, dont they make f3? god knows...im not sure interplay knows either... i mean GOD, if ppl in israel are fans of the game,and it sold like hot buns here, how could it possibly not sell so well?!
i dont follow the gaming industry... your site says titus(isnt that the fox ppl? they're still alive?) owns most of interplay... i just want my new fallout... but you say, its not gona happand any time soon
so what does the future hold for fallout? take chrono trigger(a game i was interduced to a few monthes ago)...it was made in 95, then made chrono cross after 5 years of waiting, but it wasnt realy a sequel, more like story based... then, a group rised and decided to make their own sequel... they had nice screenshots and a demo almost realy but then something happand, bla bla end of project with no results why not for fallout then? a bunch of programers, mayby even the old ones that do it for the love of the game, will work on it for free? i know its an idea that'll prolly never happand(human need of money :) ) but hey, its a possibility no?
at any rate, great rants, and god, if i ever win the lottery... expect donations :)
Thanks to everyone who sent me mail, I couldn't work you all in but keep at it, maybe you'll be insulted too!
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